For Your Enjoyment #33, April Fools' Ed.

The only thing people like better than selfies are pictures of their pets! 

- Petco’s Cat (and Dog) on a Stick Selfie (image above)

Though four fundamental forces – the strong force, the weak force, the electromagnetic force and gravity – have been well documented and confirmed in experiments over the years, CERN announced today the first unequivocal evidence for the Force. “Very impressive, this result is,” said a diminutive green spokesperson for the laboratory.

- LHC physicists confirm existence of The Force in their seminal report, "May the Force Be with EU"

“Top Gear was a wild ride for an ordinary bloke like me,” said Clarkson. “But there comes a time when a man’s got to ask himself what he really stands for. And for me, that’s sustainable energy, traffic calming and an end to xenophobia and prejudice.”

- Jeremy Clarkson (with his new Prius) goes green for The Guardian 

Fighting what he calls “an avalanche of verbiage in the name of every bill,” Congressman Mike Honda (D-CA17) today introduced the Accountability and Congressional Responsibility On Naming Your Motions (ACRONYM) Act of 2014. This bill will prohibit the addition of words to the title of any bill just to create an acronym. “It’s gotten ridiculous,” Congressman Honda said. “We’re getting bills that have over 10 words in the title just so they can spell something that’s supposed to be clever. The last straw was The Pension And Social Security Measuring Equivalence Permanent Linking of Everyone’s Actual Savings Environment (PASS ME PLEASE) Act, which only corrected a typo on Page 346 of the tax code.” 

- The Nation’s Operational and Clerical Habits Application and Notification for Congressional Excellence (NO CHANCE) House subcommittee

Hoping to use their glaring personal animosity to save rather than end lives - and exploiting their nations' shared love of martial sports - Mr Poroshenko suggests the breakaway region's future be determined in a single combat between the two presidents. Mr Putin's spokesman has hinted that he is amenable, providing the discipline is judo and that one of his associates gets the contract to build the venue. 

- The Economist reports on the newest combat resolution proposal to end Russian-Ukrainian conflict in the Donbas

The Audi Autononous Office Chair is equipped with groundbreaking features like biometric sensors, cutting-edge collision avoidance technology and even our signature quattro technology.

- Audi's newest product offering puts you in the driver's seat around the office

With vehicles featuring 66-inch tires and supercharged V8 engines, the Alamo Monster Truck Program allows families to explore even the most remote locations for their off-road adventures. Towering 12 feet high and weighing in at 10,000 pounds, the trucks will be available with rates starting at $650 per day. Weekly rates are also available by request. “Our more adventurous customers are looking for vehicles that will get their adrenaline pumping when they travel,” said Rob Connors, assistant vice president of brand marketing for Alamo. “The Alamo Monster Truck Program is our way of providing truly monstrous experiences to vacationers looking for an extraordinary memory.”

- Alamo announces plans for Monster Truck rentals at select U.S. locations

The next time you want a car to get the beep off the road, try the new app Beep Off. With a one-click snap of the offender's license plate, you've donated their car to Kars4Kids!

- This new app allows you to donate other peoples' cars to charity 

Tesla today announced a whole new product line called the Model W. As many in the media predicted, it's a watch. That's what the "W" stands for. This incredible new device from Tesla doesn't just tell the time, it also tells the date. What's more, it is infinitely adjustable, able to tell the time no matter where you are on Earth. Japan, Timbuktu, California, anywhere! This will change your life. Reality as you know it will never be the same.  Studies have shown the Model W will dramatically improve your health. If you work out. And it's available in platinum!

- Tesla responds to the iWatch with its new Model W

In order to ensure the most efficient trip possible, each Grøüber car is equipped with a GPS-based red laser that emits from the front of the vehicle and navigates the trip from the pickup to the destination. Cats have proven track record of relentless dedication to following red lasers and after much testing, we confirmed that a fleet of felines would be the safest and most skilled drivers.

- Do you need to leave the house to redeem a Groupon? Grøüber's got you covered.

Now, with the press of a button, our repair manuals can be delivered directly from our servers to your fax machines.

- iFixit's newest offering, iFaxit, brings you on-demand repair manuals

Today we launch MS-DOS Mobile. A bold step forward. People said it couldn't be done. And questioned why it should be done. And they told us we shouldn't do it. And you know what? We've done it anyway. 

- Microsoft launches MS-DOS Mobile, a new operating system designed especially for its Lumia smartphones

Our customer loyalty team is even here to listen when your friends and family members just won't shut the f**k up.

- Need to get out of a long-winded, obnoxious conversation? Zappos is here to listen so you don't have to.

The Reclinomax is truly the chair for the 21st century. The Reclinomax is fitness relaxed, and it's a total body solution. You can do bicep curls, hands-free leg extensions, bicep curls, you can rest, you can even do resting bicep curls. It's possible to relax all the muscles in your body except the one you're trying to work on. That way you can work the one you want to work, while you rest the rest. Simply put, the Reclinomax is a revolution in fitness. Put a little more simply, it's a recliner with weights attached to it. Sometimes you reach into a chair for change, and sometimes, if you're lucky, that chair reaches back and changes you. 

- Planet Fitness' latest Reclinomax sounds like the fitness tool I need